I opened it randomly and there I found a paragraph that unveiled the mystery of why I’m floating in space (or in water) and probably will for the rest of my life:
[The piscean] is often attracted simultaneously and equally by two different careers (the symbol of the two opposing fish). Maybe she will make a choice but we must allow her to test the terrain. It’s the only way to save her from the ghostly shadows that would ultimately cause regret. Nothing is more desirable for this being than to have a vocation, it saves many Pisceans from the risk of floating through life and to wander in vain in search of a difficult internal unity.
It is clear that this being does not have the taste for order, organisation. She seems to revel in a chaos that to stranger’s eyes is nothing more than a mess, but she knows how to find herself in it.
It’s evident that the Pisces person has difficulty with finding a rational working method. If she opposes a bit of resistance, she will perform better if she can do how she sees fit. How she approaches work is more self expression and intuition. We must add that she does not have the taste nor the attention to details.
I stood with the book in my hands in a combination of giggles and tears. In French it’s even more compelling. Does this mean that my worst flaws were dictated by planets and stars? That the explanation is really this simple? That I was MEANT to be a bobbing bottle? Maybe? That I should stop the war with myself ?
Not that easy.
I borrowed the book and was pleased to read the disclaimer in the first page saying: if you are reading this book in hopes to find revelations of the future, renounce the reading this book.
Work is by far the aspect of my life I wish I could drastically change. I’ve been lucky in the past four years since I’ve been sort of working for myself. An opportunity offered by a small web design agency plus my old employer who kept me on retainer to manage their online presence and occasional freelance jobs have kept me afloat while I pursue all the rest of the unseen, unpaid, unknown work I do and which feels like the REAL work.
But this romantic notion about celestial destiny does not save me from the fact I must make a living and tempted as I might be to wave my little book as a shield from life, this won’t work at all.
What it does is to help me avoid episodes of fury with myself. It can be a reminder that water is rarely still. No wonder I was always so attracted to the word “Flow”. To read that because of certain planetary alignments my wandering will go on forever makes it pointless to be angry with myself when I feel lost.
I despise tidy endings in any piece of writing. This is why I love Anita Brookner. She won’t give us the satisfaction or the comfort. Some things will never be resolved. And this is why I don’t usually connect with wellness book and their unlikely success stories.
So there is no tidy ending to my “bobbing bottle” metaphor, nor to my work dilemma. I followed paths that seemed a good idea at the time, all while working hard at things that may or many not see the light of day.
I guess this new chapter, working under my own name might be the direction I was meant to take, but at this point, I welcome certain ideas and unlikely practices, like the Metta mediation by Sharon Salzberg:
May we be free of danger
May we feel capable
May we love ourselves
May we be healthy
May we live with ease